Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
