Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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