Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
