I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
