first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
