She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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