I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize