my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
