My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
