im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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