How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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