I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
