I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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