I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
