12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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