The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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