I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She told me I should be a condom model.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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