Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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