Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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