Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
