That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
