I would go down on you faster than GM stock
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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