Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
