i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize