My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
