Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
