It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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