dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
