you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
