I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
