i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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