Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
