I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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