you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
