I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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