Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
