I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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