So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I bet he comes in French.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
