you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
