Sry I called you an 8
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
