nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
