Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
