My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
