I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
