Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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