i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I need to stop coming to work sober
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
