you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
