Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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