I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
