I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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