i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
