I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
