On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize