I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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