I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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